Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
