I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just want to make out with him forever
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
