Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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