Your face is a jimmy john
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize