btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
