How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
