Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
