I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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