Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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