My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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