**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
