if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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