I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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