You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
