wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
