btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
