Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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