It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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