New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
40s are totally the cure
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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