My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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