If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
this hospital has no fireball
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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