I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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