Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
