Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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