Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
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So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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