he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
COCAINE IS GR8
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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