i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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