I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
