I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
