I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
