He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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