just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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