Please, let me fuck your mom
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
