I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
