I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
