a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
