Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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