A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
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I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
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There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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