"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
