new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Damn victory sex feels great
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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