i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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