I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
