Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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