the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
