no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
