A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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