when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
