My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
