i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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