Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
