She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
