hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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