its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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