I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
