Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Found your dick twin last night
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
